Self-Regulation Essentials for Parents: Supporting you to support your child

Aug. 22

Often parents come to us for help because they’re looking to support their child’s self-regulation skills (this is very valid!), but today we’re going to start by exploring our own self-regulation skills.

Why? Because a few things are true:

It’s much easier to support your child during hard or highly charged moments if you are feeling grounded and regulated yourself.
Many of us didn’t have the opportunity to learn these skills as kids. We’ve often muddled through and figured out some things that help us to regulate, but most families we’re working with in OT are learning these self-regulation skills right alongside their kids!
Modeling self-regulation is a very powerful teaching tool. I would argue that it probably is more effective in the long term than teaching kids directly. And it benefits everyone!

Okay, are you sold? Let’s dig in!

A day in the life of a parent

I’m going to start by telling you the (true!) story of a recent day that I had where I struggled to stay regulated all. day. long.

There were a few factors that started this day off on the wrong foot: I slept poorly. I was trying to work while my kids were home from school. For me this is almost always a stressful situation because it brings up too many memories of pandemic-era lockdowns. And third, we were leaving on a trip the next day and there was still a lot that needed to be done!

The Body Budget idea

As we think about our own self-regulation skills and capacity, this is the first place that I want you to take notice: What is your capacity - or body budget?

Lisa Feldman-Barrett, who is an expert in the field of emotions and emotional regulation, talks about this concept of body budget. In short, she proposes that our capacity for emotional regulation is built on some foundational pieces: Sleep, food, and movement. (Note that there has since been very good arguments made that a fourth should be added: Connection, or a felt sense of safety.

An important thing to note here is that this isn’t a minute-by-minute process or change – our body budget is a bigger picture, broader scope look at each of these pieces.

WHAT’S YOUR BODY BUDGET?

Consider for yourself now: how have you slept the past few nights? How about your food/water intake? Have you had lots of foods that have nourished your body and soul? Have you had the opportunity to get the movement your body needs? And what about a sense of connection lately? Have you been able to spend some time with people who make you feel loved and safe? Your answers to these questions will give you some good insight into how to manage your expectations about your capacity for emotional regulation today.

IMPACT OF STRESSORS

Dr. Stuart Shanker also has a really interesting model for self-regulation where he proposes that our capacity to self-regulate is directly impacted by the stressors in our day. Importantly, he defines stressors as anything that requires us to use energy to navigate. My upcoming family trip? Exciting, yes, but also it took a lot of energy (mental and physical) to get prepped – it was a big stressor. Trying to work while my kids were at home – also a significant energy drain for me.

Recognizing signs

Suffice to say, I started the day with not a lot of capacity to regulate, and it only got worse as the day went on. Because I’ve been doing this work for a while both as an OT and in work with my own therapist, I can now recognize some of those body signs that my level of activation, or nervous system state, is getting into the ‘danger zone.’ I could feel tightness in my chest. My shoulders and neck felt way too tight. My breathing felt chronically too fast.

I could see it in my actions, too. I was quick to snap at my kids. I couldn’t focus on anything – kids or work. I felt like my wheels were spinning and I just couldn’t get traction in anything. This is your next piece to reflect on: What are your own unique body cues that your nervous system state isn’t where you want it to be?

Practicing Body Awareness

While this sounds pretty straightforward, the truth is that for many of us, we’ve trained ourselves out of noticing how our body feels and very much live in our thoughts much of the time. With time, practice, and attention, we can start to notice these body cues – which is important because they are super valuable indicators when it comes to self-regulation!

BUILDING INTEROCEPTION

If you want to start right now, try this: Can you turn your attention to the palm of your left hand? Try giving your hand a really tight squeeze and notice how those muscles feel. Relax your hand – how does it feel now? What about your neck? Can you notice how the muscles at the back of your neck feel – are they tight or relaxed? Ready for a harder one? What’s your heart doing right now? Is it beating quickly or slowly? Does it feel like it’s going to beat right out of your chest, or is it subtle? Can you feel your heart beating in any other part of your body?

These little experiences of drawing attention to how different parts of your body are feeling is how we start to build our Interoception – our ability to notice and make sense of our body’s internal sensations.

But what do I DO when I’m dysregulated?

I know what you’re thinking now: but what do I actually do when I’m dysregulated? This is a super important question, but don’t skip over the first two steps. Those are important because it is much easier to make small corrections by managing our expectations and using strategies when we’re slightly or even moderately dysregulated. As I’m sure you know from experience, it’s much harder to use strategies to regulate yourself when you’re 10/10 dysregulated!

REGULATION STRATEGIES

Through lots of trial and error, I’ve learned that for me there is one surefire way to reset the way I’m feeling: exercise.

We call it a ‘universal regulator’ because it can help us to bring up our energy when it’s too low, or bring it down when it’s too high. (Did you know that the other universal regulator is nature? There’s research that suggests that even the impact of looking at a picture of nature or listening to nature sounds is enough to shift the state of our nervous system in the short term! We see the impacts of this on kids’ regulation at our Kids in the Woods program!).

But exercise isn’t always an accessible tool in the moment. So, I’ve come up with a few others that might not be the magic bullet that exercise is, but they still help to shift things in a positive way. For me, those are: breathwork (this is my favourite very quick way to use breath to shift my nervous system state when I’m too wound up), quiet/decreasing the sound around me, using a fidget or something to squeeze (playdoh is actually my favourite!), and certain scents (lavender is typically my go-to).

CREATING A REGULATION TOOLKIT

Giving thought ahead of time to your ‘toolbox’ of strategies that help when you’re feeling dysregulated is such a helpful thing to do. These might be things to keep in mind, or it might mean literally carrying around a few things with you in your desk at work, or in your bag.

Here are some options to consider:

Noise-reducing earbuds (Loops are my go-to)
A scented roller
A small fidget/fidget ring
An image that cues you to breathe (ex. A square for box breathing, or a figure 8 for figure-8 breathing)
A picture of your favourite place or people

MODELING AND NORMALIZING

There’s so much power in modeling these self-regulation skills. Watching you find different ways to change the way you’re feeling not only teaches your child things that they might find helpful, too, but it also normalizes that it’s totally okay to use them! My kids see me wearing my Loop earbuds all the time, and now they will go and grab our over-ear headphones when they’re feeling overwhelmed, too.

Continuing the Journey

There’s a lot more that can be said about self-regulation for us parents. It’s a complex skill with so many different factors and components. Here we touched on ‘bottom-up’ strategies – these are body-based ways to shift the way we’re feeling. There are also lots of ‘top-down’ strategies – or cognitive/mind-based strategies to cope with our thoughts and feelings. If you’re interested in exploring some of those, I’d encourage you to learn more about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.