Supporting Siblings in Families with Different Needs
When you’re raising kids with different needs, you quickly realize that “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal.” Different kids need different expectations, different types of support, and different kinds of scaffolding to thrive.
Today, we’re exploring the difference between equity and equality and how this plays out in families where one or more children need higher levels of support. We’ll also talk about how to help siblings understand and navigate this concept – so they don’t feel overshadowed or overlooked.
My Own Story: Understanding Equity Through a Sibling Lens
This idea is one I relate to deeply! I grew up in a family with a little sister who has a global developmental delay. This means that her motor, cognitive, and social-emotional skills are significantly delayed, which meant she needed a lot more support from my parents.
It was always clear that things weren’t equal - from small things like never needing to clean her own room, to much bigger ones like getting much more time and attention from my parents - but, I don’t think that I really understood the idea of things being equitable until I was much older. I’m sharing it with you today because I think it’s a really helpful piece for siblings to understand - both in terms of supporting the relationship with their sibling, and also, importantly, in terms of ensuring that they learn to advocate for their own needs, too.
Equity vs. Equality: What’s the Difference?
Interaction Institute for Social Change | Artist: Angus Maguire
To explain equity versus equality to kids, I love referencing the classic visual of three people trying to watch a baseball game over a fence.
Equality: Each child gets the same-sized box to stand on, but only one of them can actually see over the fence.
Equity: The boxes are adjusted to meet the height of each child, allowing them all to have a clear view.
In families, this concept applies to everything – from routines and discipline to how much attention or emotional support each child needs. Scaffolding is a term educators use to describe building temporary supports around kids to meet them where they’re at. As kids grow and develop, those supports change.
You might have a younger child who needs more scaffolding to get through their morning routine or an older child who requires more help with homework. In both cases, you can lean into this phrase:
“In this family, everyone gets what they need.”
When Kids Push Back: Handling “That’s Not Fair!”
Of course, just because it’s true doesn’t mean your kids will always accept it – or even like it! Younger children, in particular, tend to value equality and sameness. This is the stage where we hear a lot of “but that’s not fair!” – and that’s completely developmentally appropriate.
Younger children’s brains are wired to think in more black-and-white terms: this is the same, or it’s not. This is fair, or it’s not. Their growing minds aren’t ready yet for the grey space where fairness and equity live.
If this is a hurdle you’re bumping up against often, I love Dr. Becky’s idea of “two things are true.” It’s a gentle way of holding boundaries while making space for big feelings. In this context, it might sound like:
“It doesn’t feel fair that Sarah gets to come home early from school, and in this family, everyone gets what they need. This is something she needs.”
Will they grasp the nuance right away? Maybe not. Will they still feel upset? Probably. But that doesn’t change the fact that our job is to create space for kids of differing needs and abilities to receive individualized support – while also acknowledging the feelings that arise along the way.
The Shift in Older Childhood: Understanding Grey Areas
As kids move into middle childhood and beyond, something beautiful starts to happen. Their brains develop the capacity to hold multiple perspectives at once. This is when the world starts to shift from being purely black-and-white to shades of grey. Older children and tweens can begin to recognize that fair doesn’t always mean equal – and that’s a powerful shift.
With gentle guidance, they can begin to understand that different needs require different supports. They may not always like it, but they can start to appreciate that what feels “unfair” in the moment is actually an expression of love and care tailored to each sibling’s needs.
Empowering Siblings to Advocate for Their Own Needs
This is also the stage where we can empower siblings to advocate for their own needs. When kids see that their sibling requires more attention or different accommodations, they may feel overshadowed or less important. It’s easy for their needs to get lost in the mix, even when we’re doing our best to balance everything.
We can help by encouraging them to voice their own needs and validating that their feelings matter, too. This can sound like:
“I notice we’ve been spending a lot of time helping your brother with his homework lately. What’s something you need more of right now?”
Or:
“I know we’ve had to change some plans to support your sister. I wonder if there’s something special we could do together, just the two of us?”
These small, intentional moments of checking in with the sibling who doesn’t have higher support needs can go a long way in making them feel valued and seen. It helps them build the confidence to express what they need and reinforces the idea that “everyone gets what they need” includes them, too.
Wrapping It Up: Holding Space for Every Child
As I reflect on my own childhood, I think about how powerful it would have been to hear that phrase – “in this family, everyone gets what they need.” It wouldn’t have made everything feel fair, but it would have helped me make sense of those differences – and given me space to recognize that my feelings and needs mattered, too.
That’s my hope for you and your family – that through this gentle lens of equity, you can create space for each of your kids to not only understand that everyone gets what they need but also to feel empowered to express their own needs, too.
You’re doing such meaningful, compassionate work as you navigate this journey. Keep going – your kids are learning so much from watching how you hold this balance with love. ❤️
