Building Self-Confidence in Children with ADHD: Understanding the Impact and How Parents Can Help

Jul. 9

You want the best for your child. You want them to feel safe, secure, and connected. You want them to find community, build a positive self-concept, have good self-esteem, have self-confidence, and self-compassion. But how in the world do we do all of this?

But we know that supporting neurodivergent kids is a little different. That the world can be a harder place to navigate. That rejection sensitive dysphoria has a huge impact.

So how can you support your neurodivergent child in all of these things? We’re going to dig into exactly that!

Neurodivergence, Rejection and Self-Confidence

Hopefully by now you know that we’re all about being neurodiversity affirming and leaning into your child’s strengths. But before we can explore the ways to help build your child up, we first need to spend a minute noticing what’s working against us in our goal to support increased self-confidence.

The Impact of Rejection on Neurodiverse Children

Neurodiverse children often experience significant rejection, a reality well-documented both in scientific literature and through personal accounts within the ADHD community and other diagnoses.

Maybe your child really likes dinosaurs! They know a lot about them; and they love sharing this information with others. They might participate in what is known in the ADHD community as “info-dumping,” getting so excited about the topic that they miss the fact that the other person isn’t interested anymore. Eventually the other child doesn’t want to talk anymore… or maybe ever. Rejection.

Studies show that children with ADHD are rated lower in social preference, with up to 70% having no close friends by third grade. There are a few reasons this might be true. Like that your child’s neurodevelopmental delay is impacting their social skills, or they are developing neurodivergent social skills that their peers find it difficult to relate to. But rejection doesn’t just come from other kids, it comes from adults too.

Maybe your child has difficulty self-regulating in a classroom environment. In the midst of trying to manage an already busy and demanding classroom environment, teachers may respond in unhelpful ways, making the problem – which is typically downstream of an unmet need – worse. This can create a dynamic of being labeled a “problem child”, which we all know can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy that just makes the problem worse. All while the underlying needs still go unmet. There it is again… rejection… but this time it can be on a larger scale.

These kinds of rejection, especially when they becomes a pattern, can really take a toll on a child’s self-confidence.

Rejection Sensitivity

Many neurodivergent children are really good at pattern recognition. They recognize that they are rejected a lot, and then come to expect it. That pattern of rejection can lead to the development of a sensitivity around rejection.

Imagine that you have a wound that just keeps getting poked. Getting rejected over and over again (children with ADHD are statistically rejected more than their peers) can lead to a sore spot. Like anything that is still fresh and raw, even a small graze – that normally wouldn’t even register - can hurt a lot.

Rejection Sensitivity is recognized by science, and is present in a lot of different conditions. You may have also seen the term Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). The internet has allowed many people in the ADHD Community to connect and “compare notes” about their lived experiences, organize themselves, and sort their experiences into categories. RSD is recognized by the ADHD Community and reported a lot! But scientific studies and funding, as well as diagnostic manuals, are slow… so keep an eye open for the studies on this topic.

Why is rejection such a big deal? Rejection isn’t life or death, maybe it’s not that big of a deal? Well back in the day, rejection could mean getting kicked out of the cave – which was very serious and actually a significant threat to our wellbeing.

We are wired for connection, and to our nervous system rejection registers as a massive threat.

These are all really important factors for us to know and consider. But it’s definitely not all doom and gloom!
Building awareness of what’s happening for your child is step one. We can’t truly know how to help until we know where we’re coming from.
Building some practical tools and strategies - some ways to really help, is step two. So let’s go there!

What can you do to build your child’s self-esteem and confidence?

Many neurodivergent kids are really, really good at the hard stuff! The stuff that we pay people the big bucks for: systems thinking, critical thought, conceptual thinking, knowledge integration, innovation, and coming up with creative solutions to hard problems. Many also have a big heart, and can use their hyperfocus to really dive into problems that interest them. These are all really powerful strengths!

One way to help your child build their self-confidence is to explore what their strengths are! This can be tricky because sometimes their “superpowers” are the same things that can be challenging in some situations. You can think about this like a sword; having a sword is rare and cool and great when it’s the right tool for the job, but you probably don’t want to eat your dinner with it!

The important thing is that they already have the cool tools, they just need to learn how to choose when to wield them – and to further our metaphor, they also need to learn when and how to use a boring fork.

For more information on common strengths in ADHD, see this post.

How to Use the 4:1 Ratio to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem

You may have heard of the 4:1 positive-to-negative ratio. Humans naturally focus on the negative, which can make negative experiences feel more significant. To counter this, the 4:1 ratio suggests that for every negative interaction, a person needs four positive ones to feel balanced. For children with ADHD, who often face more rejection, these positive interactions are crucial for their self-esteem.

Here are some practical strategies to help you implement the 4:1 ratio:

Highlight Strengths and Superpowers
- Encourage your child to engage in activities where they excel. This not only boosts their self-esteem but also provides them with positive experiences.
- Recognize and celebrate their unique talents and strengths.
Increase Positive Inputs
- Participate in Hobbies and Clubs: Involve your child in hobbies, clubs, or groups that align with their special interests. These activities can provide positive feedback and a sense of belonging. (An added bonus here is that research tells us that the way that we build authentic connections with peers is over shared interests. By getting involved in things that are aligned with their interests, you’re giving your child a great opportunity to build friendships.)
- Catch Them Doing Things Right: Make a conscious effort to notice and praise your child when they are doing well. This can be as simple as acknowledging their efforts in schoolwork, social interactions, or household chores. Look for even the tiniest things here: “You put the toothpaste on your toothbrush without my reminding you - amazing!”
Address Unmet Needs
- Identify and address the unmet needs that might lead to challenging behaviors. This can reduce the occurrence of negative interactions.
- Ensure that your child feels heard and understood, and work with them to find solutions that meet their needs. One of our favourite ways to facilitate these kinds of conversations is through Collaborative Problem Solving.
Support Self-Understanding and Self-Compassion
- Help your child understand that making mistakes is a natural part of learning. Encourage them to be kind to themselves when they mess up.
- Develop a growth mindset by emphasizing effort and progress over perfection. A great book to support this idea for kids is “The Magical Yet.”
Teach Social Skills and Self-Regulation
- Work on building your child’s social skills and self-regulation abilities. This can help them navigate social situations more effectively.
- Explain social norms and expectations without encouraging masking, which can be harmful. Instead, provide them with a social blueprint to help them adapt when necessary.
- Our absolute favourite way to support kids around social skills is our Kids in the Woods program, where we take OT into the wild to help kids build their social skills and confidence in a way that honours their authenticity and strengths.