Parenting kids who are highly reactive and highly sensitive to their environments is hard. The intensity is different from parenting a child with a more easy-going temperament. Often it means that we need to find different tools and strategies to support that child, and to make life easier for us as parents. Many of the families who come to me for parent coaching want help to answer the question: How can I help my highly sensitive or spirited child?

One of the tools that is so helpful to have if you’re parenting a highly reactive or highly sensitive child is validation. I would love to teach you more about it here - what validation is (and what it isn’t!), why it’s so effective as a parenting tool, and to offer you some concrete examples of what it looks like.

What validation is

Validation is, at its core, helping another person to feel truly seen and understood. When we validate someone’s experience or emotions, what we’re saying is: I see what you’re experiencing and it makes sense.

This is an essential skill to have as a human who relates to other humans in general! But it’s a particularly powerful tool for parents. Why? Because our children are always seeking to answer the question: do you see me and do you understand me? When we can practice this skill of validation (because truly, it’s a skill!), we get better and better at showing them: yes, I see your experience and it makes sense.

You might wonder how this differs from other ideas like empathy and compassion. Empathy is when we communicate that we are able to feel what the other person is feeling. Compassion seeks to meet needs that will soothe, calm or comfort. Validation starts with empathy, but then extends to communicating that another’s thoughts, feelings, ideas or urges are understandable.

What it looks like

In parenting, validation might look like:

“You’re really upset that you can’t go to Emily’s house today. That makes sense because you were really excited about this play date. You’re disappointed because play dates are so fun and maybe you’re worried that it will be a while before we can reschedule.”

Notice the word because in there. Emotion Focused Family Therapy advocates for using the word because 3 times when we’re trying to validate a big feeling or reaction. Each time we use this word because, we’re building and illustrating on the idea that the feeling or reaction makes sense and that we really ‘get it.’

What validation isn’t

A common thought that comes up as we learn about validation is: but what if it doesn’t make sense? Or what if they’re doing something that I really don’t want to validate?

Here’s the thing: validation isn’t acceptance or agreement. You can understand why your child might hit someone without agreeing that it’s the right thing to do.

Validation also isn’t asking someone to change what they’re doing. This was a real ah-ha moment for me when I learned about it. When I do my best to name and validate my children’s feelings or responses, and then follow it up with a “but… we really need to get to school” what I’m doing is making a change request. And here’s the thing about change requests - they’re inherently invalidating.

Consider for a minute what that might feel like. You’ve got an important presentation coming up. You’re feeling really stressed and overwhelmed. Your partner comes to you and says “I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed. I can totally understand why. This is a big presentation and you really care about your job. But we really need to get going to my parent’s house for dinner now”. They noticed and named the emotion, they validated it and showed they understood your perspective - it’s so good! But do you also feel that drop in your stomach when it’s quickly followed up with ‘but we really need to get going…’?

I know what you’re thinking (or at least, here’s what I was thinking when I started learning about this): but sometimes we really DO need to change what’s happening - it’s important that I make that change request. And yes, absolutely I agree that there are many times in our day-to-day life when we need to help our kids move through those big feelings so we can get on to what’s next (hello morning routine!).

Here’s my suggestion: Try validating first. Just validate. Use that magic formula of 3 because statements. Try to be there with them in their feelings and show that you understand and that they make sense. And wait. Just a minute or two. Because here’s where validation is so powerful: as we feel seen and understood, those feelings will start to move on. Once the emotion has de-escalated, then make your change request. See if it’s a different result. I’m going to guess (based on my own experience and the psychology research) that spending a few minutes up front in this way will save many more minutes of struggle in the long run.

Why validation is a powerful parenting strategy

When we use validation to help our children (or any person in our lives) to feel seen and understood, it means that we’re coming alongside that emotion. When we come alongside the emotion, it means that there isn’t anything for that feeling to fight against. When someone tells me that my anger makes sense, I don’t need to work so hard to show it. Here is a beautiful example of how leaning into the emotion and validating it doesn’t make it bigger, as we sometimes fear, but actually helps that feeling to ease off.

Some other reasons that validation is such a great tool for parents:

It demonstrates acceptance of who our children are
It strengthens our connection
It supports emotional regulation

Though a helpful caveat on the emotional regulation piece - validation helps to take the wind out of the sails of those emotions, but it may not take the sails down. What it does is creates some space. And in that space we can start to solve the problem or pull in other

How our good intentions might be backfiring

As parents, it’s often when we try to protect our child from their feelings that we can fall into invalidation - we try to deflect, distract, or rationalize away those feelings. This makes sense! We see our child in distress and we really want to help them not feel that way any longer. However, often what our children need is support as they move through those feelings (and maybe, just maybe, part of the reason that we’re trying to deflect, distract and rationalize is actually because we are feeling uncomfortable with their big feelings).

If you find this is often your experience, I encourage you to take a little read about this train analogy.

Other helpful tips

As you practice building your validation muscle (because, if you didn’t experience validation regularly as a child this might not feel natural at first!), here are a few cues or tips to keep in mind:

Remember the ‘because’ trick - try using the word ‘because’ three times. “You’re really angry that you have to share a room with your sister. I get it, that’s tough because it’s really hard to share space, and because none of your friends share a room. I also wonder if this makes you feel angry because your brother doesn’t have to share a room and that seems really unfair.” Our goal in using ‘because’ is to try to come alongside their feeling/reaction/thought and show them that it makes sense, while remembering that you don’t need to validate all of it.
I’m not a big fan of scripts, because the truth is that they’re hard to remember in the moment. But, here are a few starters that might be helpful to jot down and post somewhere handy if this is a skill you want to start practicing.
Some words that help to convey understanding are:

I could understand you…
I could imagine you…
No wonder you…
It would make sense that you…

long story short: Parenting highly sensitive, anxious, and neurodivergent kids is hard.

Adding skills to your parenting toolbox makes a difference.

I can help.

Shannon Rolph is a pediatric Occupational Therapist and a mom to 3 (beautiful, wild, energetic) kids. She wholeheartedly believes 2 things are true: kids are amazing, and parenting can be hard. Shannon shares helpful information and practical strategies with parents and families to support them in finding more ease and joy in their parenting journeys.

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