Do you remember those old Staples commercials where parents would be sailing down the aisles with their shopping carts to the tune “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”? The return to school may feel like that to some parents, but for others (myself included) we’re bracing ourselves for the fallout that comes from our kids holding it all together at school all day long.

Is this true in your home, too? Do you find that when you pick your kids up from school you’re already preparing yourself for the meltdowns that will follow? It’s certainly true in my house. In the psychology world this is called restraint collapse, which, is what it sounds like: when our ability to manage our actions/behaviours/feelings falls apart. What it actually looks like is: big, often loud and long lasting, feelings. Meltdowns that are longer, more frequent, and more intense than what’s normal for our child. And goodness it can be hard to manage as a parent!

If you experience this in your home you don’t need me to explain it to you. What you’re probably looking for is help with knowing what to do to support your child (and yourself!) through this often tricky period of transition. In this blog we’ll explore exactly that. I’ll teach you the ‘why’ behind restraint collapse in more detail than “it’s because you’re their safe place where they can let their feelings show,” because understanding underpins regulation - and it’s important for us to understand what’s happening so that we can regulate ourselves in the face of these big, big feelings. Then we’ll dig into some specifics about how to support your unique child and family through these after school hours.

“...because understanding underpins regulation - and it’s important for us to understand what’s happening so that we can regulate ourselves in the face of these big, big feelings”

Understand it - why does restraint collapse happen?

One of my favourite ways to understand what self regulation actually is is a model based in neuroscience. Dr. Stuart Shanker proposes that our ability to regulate (that is: manage our thoughts, feelings and actions to achieve an intended goal) is directly impacted by stressors. He talks about stressors as anything that requires us to use energy to navigate.

A simple example is temperature - if the classroom is very hot, our body needs to use energy to keep itself cool. A more complicated example is social skills - if I have a hard time noticing and interpreting social cues, then I will need to use more energy to effectively engage in play throughout the school day. Because we are all so uniquely wired, each of us will experience different things as stress. For you, a loud room might be enjoyable or even neutral, but for me it makes it very hard to focus and can even be physically uncomfortable - it takes a lot of my energy to stay engaged when I’m in a setting like this; it’s a big stressor.

Why does this idea of stressors matter? Dr. Shanker proposes that we have a hard time regulating when we’ve experienced too many stressors throughout our day and no longer have the energy we need to regulate. I like to imagine this as a cup, and stressors as rocks. Some stressors will be big rocks (for me, loud environments) and some will be small (maybe the cognitive demands of math class). As the stressors pile up, the cup starts to get pretty full, and eventually we have no room left for those rocks any more - cue: meltdown. Dr. Shanker actually encourages us to call this a ‘stress response’ rather than misbehaviour. It’s an important distinction that really does shift the way that we react and respond. You can read more about it here.

When we consider it this way, it becomes a lot easier to appreciate why our kids may have very little space left in their jar at the end of a school day. For many children, as they become more familiar with the routines and expectations of the school day, those ‘rocks’ become smaller and more manageable, which is when we see that return to evenings that aren’t so hard anymore.

So, what can we do about it?

I’m going to offer two approaches for you to consider. I intentionally call these ‘offerings’ because this isn’t a to-do list. I really want you to filter this information through your own knowledge and experience with your child(ren) to discern what will be helpful for your unique child and family.

First up: nervous system supports

When I work with families, we consider supporting self regulation from a few different perspectives: one is - are there ways that we can work to reduce the stressors in the child’s school day. We also consider if there are ways that we can build up our child’s skills so that the situation doesn’t require so much energy to navigate. This is an approach with a longer view and not necessarily where I would start when we’re looking at after school restraint collapse, particularly at the beginning of a new school year. In many cases we really just need time for our child to adapt to new routines and expectations, and to find some ways to support them in the meantime.

So instead, let’s consider: are there ways that we can make a bit more space in their jar so they have more capacity to regulate after school. I’m going to offer some suggestions that are considered “universal regulators” - that is, they support our children to down-regulate when their nervous system is overwhelmed, and help them to up-regulate when their nervous system is running a bit too slow* (see note at the end for a bit more on this).

Tools and strategies that create more space and capacity to regulate:

Being in nature
There has been much research that’s demonstrated the restorative nervous system impacts of being in nature. One theory, the stress reduction hypothesis, shows that just being in nature can produce a physiologic response that lowers stress levels. Another theory, the attention restoration theory, has shown that spending time in nature replenishes our cognitive resources which supports us in being better able to focus and pay attention after being in nature. It’s not hard to see how all of these would be so helpful in emptying the child’s ‘cup’ and giving more space for the evening hours to come.
I also don’t want you walking away with visions of needing to take a 30 minute hike with your kids after school. While that would be great, it also isn’t realistic for most of us. Research into the positive effects of nature has shown that just being in green spaces like a park can be helpful, and that even listening to nature sounds helps to restore our attention and concentration.

Exercise
As a child this might look like running, jumping, climbing, or dancing. But the important piece is that their body's moving and heart rate is increasing. You can likely relate to this feeling and the way that movement and exercise is supportive if you’re feeling anxious or if you’re feeling lethargic - in both cases it helps us return to that ‘calm and alert’ place where we have more capacity to regulate.
Deep pressure
As an OT I’m often considering the way that our sensory system impacts our nervous system states. Deep pressure is part of our proprioceptive sensory system, and for many people engaging these deep pressure sensory receptors is experienced as a very regulating activity (i.e. helps our nervous system get back to that ‘calm and alert’ place where it’s much easier to manage our actions). Some examples of deep pressure activities include: a strong “bear” hug, a massage, rolling on a ball, cuddling under a weighted blanket, swimming, and rough and tumble play.

There are also 3 baseline factors that always underlie our ability to regulate: sleep, eating, and connection. This is worth mentioning, particularly as it relates to both eating and connection. Some children find that there is enough time to eat to fullness while at school, but for many others the short time and distracting environment make that really difficult. This means that many of our kiddos are returning home from school hungry, reducing their ability to manage their feelings and actions right off the hop. This means that having an after school snack accessible is often a great idea. In my own family we arrive to school pick up with a small snack ready. My kids eat that snack on the way home, and then have a heartier snack when we arrive home. It’s been a game changer for us.

Connection is the other piece of these foundational ingredients to consider, but I encourage you to consider this in a compassionate way and through the lens of what is possible in your home. After school our kids have been separated from us for many hours. For some kids this is no problem, and for others they really benefit from a few minutes of our time and attention to re-establish that felt sense of connection. This might mean something as small as a hug, looking into their eyes, and telling them that you’re so happy to see them. Facilitating that sense of connection doesn’t need to be long and drawn out to be effective. The main ingredient is undivided attention for whatever period of time is realistic. If that’s one or two minutes of undivided attention, that’s wonderful - this is not a place for guilt or shame. Evenings are a really busy time for families and this isn’t meant to be one more thing on your plate, rather an offering to consider.

As your family navigates these early days of returning to school that might not feel so wonderful (yet!), lean into this knowledge to help you to understand and empathize with your child, try out some of these strategies to help them ‘empty their cup’ at the end of a long day, and give yourself lots of grace.

**When I think about regulation, I always come back to what’s going on for our nervous system. For some kiddos, after plugging through a full day at school and leaving with a very full ‘cup of rocks’ (see above!), what you’ll see is a nervous system that’s really heightened - we call this hyperaroused. They’re full of energy but not necessarily the positive kind - this might look like frustration, sadness, irritation, etc. And for others, when their cup is overflowing what we see is a nervous system that’s running on low - we call this hypoaroused. These are kiddos who are feeling tired, lethargic, maybe down or blue. We can lean into the universal regulators that are mentioned here that help us return to that ‘calm and alert’ middle place regardless of where we started. And you can also consider where your child tends to be at the end of the day and play around with whether they might need some restorative activities, or some calming activities to support them.

Shannon Rolph is a pediatric Occupational Therapist and a mom to 3 (beautiful, wild, energetic) kids. She wholeheartedly believes 2 things are true: kids are amazing, and parenting can be hard. Shannon shares helpful information and practical strategies with parents and families to support them in finding more ease and joy in their parenting journeys.

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