Self-Regulation: What Is It, Why Is It Important, and How Can You Support It?
Picture this, your child just had another… well take your pick: outburst, meltdown, fight with a sibling/friend. We hear a lot about self-regulation, it’s a really popular concept these days (cookie monster even has a song about it that has 23 million views). But as a parent, how can you support your child in developing this valuable skill that will serve them well for the rest of their life?
What is self-regulation anyways?
Even for kids the world is full of distractions, constant demands, and unpredictable circumstances – making the ability to self-regulate an invaluable skill. Self-regulation encompasses the ability to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in order to achieve goals and maintain overall well-being. Another way to think of it is that self-regulation helps us ride the waves of life. As we grow up it is a powerful tool that empowers us to navigate life's challenges, make informed decisions, and lead more fulfilling lives.
Self-regulation involves the conscious effort to monitor, control, and direct our thoughts, emotions, and actions in alignment with our values and goals. It is the ability to resist impulsive reactions, delay gratification, and stay focused amidst distractions. Self-regulation helps us to avoid destructive behaviors, make positive choices, and maintain healthy relationships. It empowers us to respond effectively to stress, manage conflicts, and adapt to changing circumstances.
Sounds like a lot, eh? A simpler way to understand this is: self regulation helps us to manage our nervous system state. With kids, I often describe this as our “level of activation.” It’s totally normal and expected that our level of activation varies throughout the day. Self-regulation is the suite of skills we have that help us to modify our level of activation when our energy state isn’t a match for our environment or the task we’re trying to engage in.
Why is self-regulation important?
Building these skills can improve emotional well-being. By regulating our emotions, we can prevent impulsive outbursts and learn to respond to challenging situations with more calmness and clarity. This enhances our emotional well-being and helps in building positive relationships.
We can also enhance focus and productivity! Self-regulation can help enable us to stay focused on tasks and resist distractions, leading to increased productivity. (Which can also help limit disruptive classroom behaviours that can be a distraction to others.)
In the long run, self-regulation can support us in staying in touch with ourselves and aligning with activities that help us achieving our goals. Self-regulation empowers us to set and pursue long-term goals with consistency and perseverance. It helps us resist short-term temptations and make choices that align with our larger objectives, leading to personal and professional success.
How can you start to support your child in building the skills for self-regulation?
Start with noticing…
One thing that is an important and foundational skill and first step of self-regulation, is something called Interoception: this is the capacity to pause and tune-in to what body sensations we can feel, and further, to understand what these sensations are telling us. Some people have an easier time noticing and making sense of their bodies sensations, and for others (particularly neurodivergent brains) this interoceptive awareness can be a more difficult skill to learn.
Then build understanding
Once we notice what our bodies are telling us, we want to connect those cues with our level of activation (or, our nervous system state that we discussed a bit earlier). You can think of this level of activation like a scale, ranging from very low to very high activation.
Very low activation levels are associated with fatigue, lethargy, or disengagement (and trouble focusing for kids with ADHD), while very high activation levels indicate increased alertness, excitement, or even overwhelm. That place around the middle of the scale - centred - is what we typically think of when we imagine what it feels like to “be regulated.” This is also the nervous system state where learning, socializing, and engagement happen most easily.
None of these levels of activation are inherently good or bad. When things can become tricky are when our level of activation isn’t a match for the environment or activity at hand (for example - my low level of activation currently isn’t a great match for the level of focus I need to write this blog post!). So what then?
Then use strategies…
Once you can pause and notice your level of activation, then you can engage in behaviours that help you “up regulate” or “down regulate” your activation level. Some examples of up-regulating tools include listening to pump-up music, rapid breath work, and physical activity. Some examples of down-regulating strategies include a big yawn, deep pressure, and hanging upside down. Right now, I’m using my favourite up-regulating strategy: coffee!
consider the environment
Adjusting the environment we’re in can also play a big role in our level of activation. For example, finding a place that brings us peace and helps calm and ground our nervous system can be a powerful strategy.
We know scientifically that nature is a powerful regulator of our nervous system. There are whole theories build around this (see this about Stress Reduction Theory).
I’ve certainly seen the incredible impacts of nature during our Kids in the Woods program. It’s one of the reasons that I love doing OT in nature so much - it’s so effective because kids are more regulated, which means that they’re more able to engage, learn, and socialize!
How do I use these regulation tools?
But how do we encourage the use of these strategies in the heat of the moment? That can be a real challenge! One way you can do this is by helping your child build the habit of using these steps when things are calm. Start when everything is okay and safe. Remember that we learn best when we’re in a centred level of activation. And truly, these are self-regulation skills that we’re asking our kids to learn. If you practice these strategies when everyone is regulated, over time we’ll have a better chance of them being able to use these skills and strategies when they really need them.
Trying to use these tools and strategies when they’re becoming escalated, but aren’t in a full-blown meltdown is also very helpful. In other words, it's important to try and catch a runaway train before it gets to the point where they are out of control and can no longer pause and notice how they’re feeling or make rational choices. Also, a small course correction is easier than a big one.
Of course, mistakes will happen, and self-compassion (for them, and for you!) is important when they do. Circling back afterwards, when things are calm and everyone is regulated again and asking “what did you feel in your body at the start?” or “what are some of the warning signs you feel before you (get mad like that, can’t focus, are going to melt-down, etc)?”. Then you can think of one or two tools you’re going to try next time. Experiment until you find a good match between the feeling/activation level and the tool.
Above all, stay curious and kind. Remember, you’re a good parent, your child is a good child, you can do this.
